What to do when what you heard in the past are all just full of craps and loads of lies? How will you feel? And what you think of doing now? Do you feel your heart aching? The heart that is aching and bleeding now is mine.

After so many incidents that happened recently i've gain some new experiences in life. Whether it's a good one or bad one i'll still get an experience to let me grow. Maybe all these will let me see what's life is really about. Get to see the real faces and find out the characteristic of those people who's around you. When you are stepping out to the society you have to be more careful. Nope should be extremely careful. There might be people out there who really treat you good with no motive but there might be people who's the opposite. After chatting with Ifen i gain some new knowledge and that explains why i like to hang out with older people. Maybe i don't wish my life to be an exciting one. Maybe i will wish my life is a simple and quiet one. Hais.

What more you want from me when you are treating me like this? I've no idea what to say what to do. And so fucking shit that i have to work tomorrow! Fucking asshole!

Well why things happen and happen one by one? Are all these trainings for me in my life? Before i start work things happened. It's a big blow to me. Now i start work... things happen again. If i really breakdown don't ask me why. If you can't contact me. You know why. If you never see me again you know why. Maybe letting you go is only a release to you. And all the torture i will suffer alone. Me, myself and i suffer alone.

I'm so tired. After i start to work i feel that 24 hr a day is really not enough. After work i will be so tire. Not enough time for my leisure. Will be like a slave from now onwards. Don't know till when. Wish to travel here and there. Take a look of other countries. Got to stop here.. No time to post.

It was so so f lor! That train cropped up when i was going home lor. First to Outram then to HarbourFront. Then to Dhouby Ghaut. And get off then change again to Hougang. It'll be reported in the news. Reached home at around 9 pm plus. Was so so so tired. Tomorrow still gotta work.

Going to work later. Oh no! Everyday work only get scoldings. And everyday have to call and ask when can i have the payment? I miss you. Haiz. Lazy to blog.

Life so happening nowadays. Well life should be happening if not life will be just that boring isn't it? As for me, life is TOO happening now. I don't like it. I can't take it anymore. I'll go bonkers sooner or later. I'll breakdown soon. All i can say is i'm so stress. My life changes again. Work, work and work. I know i should occupy myself by working and working but it seems no help to me. All i know my fist is injured. With bruises... It's painful but what to do? Everthing ended on 15th of July 2006. Maybe that's what god plan for me in the part of my life? I can't anticipate what my life will be in the future but i know what happens already affected me now. So it won't be the same anymore. I LOVE KAREN! I LOVE ESKAE! I LOVE WAI LING! I LOVE SIM TENG! I LOVE GINA! I LOVE DESMOND! I LOVE YUAN ZHI! Ever feel like dying off. Dying may end my problems. But it won't help i know. That's a stupid and childish thought of mine. Will focus my job now... Though my brain will still think. Anyway my brain should think what? Don't think then my brain is dead and useless! Blood oozing out from my heart. Tears running out from my eyes. So what?

Today will be my first day of work as an account assistant. Not sure of what will it be like. Just hope everything will run smooth for me. And from today onwards, i've to wake up early in the morning expect for Sundays. People out there wish me good luck! Haha!

Days had just passed. But to me it seems that days = years. Things happened to me. Don't feel like mentioning it. What passed is passed. But i will still look forward and start everything afresh. Never forget about you, never hates you. My life will be better and better everyday just to wait for you. I will improve myself no matter what. Never ever say die! I'll not be tire cause i'm Garfield.. the cat that talks. Haha!

I've nothing to blog. I only want to say i really miss you alot! ='(

Yesterday i received a call from an agent. She told me to go International Business Park for an interview at 10.30 am. It's located at Jurong. I reached there before 10 am. Trying to find my way out to take the shuttle bus. Reached there.. waited for a few minutes, think something's not right. Called my agent and she also have no idea. OMG! Then she asked me to wait there and she will get back to me soon. She called again asking me to head towards interchange and take bus 51. -__-" When i walked towards the interchange i saw the shuttle bus!! But still i went to the interchange for a safer route there. She told me to alight once i see Acer's building. Well, i alighted at the bus stop. Finding my way out to Nordic European Centre by refering to map. In the end.. I WAS LOST FOR HALF AN HOUR!! Sweating profusely.. I called my agent for help.. I asked her whether can i don't go for that interview? Haha! Ya she did help me but seriously it did not help much. Another call to another person. I was late for the interview but my agent told my interviewer. So it's okay. Finally i'm there. Sitting down filling up form again. Yawns! Another agent called me while i was filling it up. Oh ya one agent called me when i was lost in the International Business Park. Was already so pissed off and so i asked that agent to call back later. After the interview i've to find my way out again. Headed to Tanjong Pagar. Maxwell House. That person told me Maxwell Centre lor! Then have to find my way to DBS tower 2. What the.. He told me it's very near but i phoned my friend and ask... She said it's far. Wanted to find a place for a rest cause i never eat or drink anything from the moment i woke up. Can't find any! It was lunch time for all working adults! And i landed in 7-11. So pathetic. Sobx.. Was really that tired. Wanted to take cab home after my second interview at DBS tower 2. In the end i went home by MRT. Thought i could finally rest.. My mum and sister was sort of arguing who and how to bring the CPU for repair. And i was so irritated by them i say i go la! The stupid computer spoils at the wrong time. Went to all interview without bringing my resume along. Luckily the intviewers did not ask from me. Phew! Lady luck is always not with me. Why? I don't know. Lol! But no matter what i will still keep on trying. Never give up!

Shuping, you should pick your Zen Friend

You know who we're talking about — the person who always has their head on straight, who can sound reasonable even in the most unreasonable of times, and who makes you calmer just by standing in the same room as you. Whether you've known them all your life or recently met them in yoga class, there's just something about this calming companion that made you realize from the very beginning you wanted them in your life.This highly evolved, kind, caring, and soothing sidekick has a contagiously peaceful presence. Their grounding influence and nurturing heart give you a spiritual boost you don't easily find with others. The two of you share an appreciation for individual expression that makes any time a perfect time to spend together. Ommm!

Was talking to my mum.. No no.. arguing. Lol! Also no. Playing.. And i remember something. Her tooth dropped onto the floor. Lol! My sister was in the room. The sound of the dropping tooth was so loud that my sister can hear it. Haha!

Gui Zhi called me.. ask me out to watch soccer with them but i can't go. Why? Cause of my sister. If i go my mum will be more angry. So i decided not to go. But i still went for dinner with them. Gui Zhi still say some stupid things.. Haha! Make me laugh again. Then remind me of... that day i ask her to help me refresh my memory on ms access.. she almost flooded my kitchen. Whaha! Oh.. after dinner we went for pool cause we don't know how to settle money. Why? We don't have loose change. Then i went home. So sad. Gotta watch soccer myself.

I had a dream last night. Don't really remember the whole story. Just remember a doctor telling someone or me that i cannot be agitated anymore if not i'll heart attack and die. Isn't that scary?

I really have no idea what my sister is thinking and doing. Don't she know that what she do will not only affect herself as well as it will affect her family members? Thought she will change to a better person but now.. i doubt so. Always give troubles to the family. We should be old enough to know what's right and what's wrong. We should know what things we are suppose to do and what we aren't. The most important point is... she is my elder sister. Don't she know what can be done what cannot be? She have more experience than me in this world. Don't she know where to gauge her limit in doing things? I've enough problems for myself and now.. her problems is adding on to mine. Can't i just take up a little space for myself to breathe? Just fuck her ass off! If she don't want to contribute to the family that's enough. Can't she just stop making troubles and let my parents worried and agitated? I'm really pissed off by what she did. It's not only that. Every time there's trouble she would sms me, ask me this and that. What a pest! Not i'm unwilling to help her but the best way out is she settle stuffs herself. Why is she so unmature? Why?! So what if one is mature in lookings and so unmature in thinkings? This kind of people is just a failure in this world. Bound to be a BIG failure! With no ideals, no thinkings... Nothing!

Back home! My feets now.. DAMN pain. Blisters. Bearing the pain when i've to walk from MRT station to my home. Gritting onto my teeth cause the pain is really... On the way back, i went to 7-11 to purchase one bottle of Barcadi BREEZER. Peach flavour. Not sure why i wanted to buy that. Just want to have a drink when i'm off the train that's the thing in my mind. Did not have a good sleep yesterday night. I was tossing here and there. Then when i fell asleep at around 8 am plus.. 9 am plus an agency called me.. Telling me about interview and all that. OMG! This means i'm not able to sleep. Gotta prepare for stuffs. Firstly, i went Ngee Ann City to meet ur with the agency people. Secondly, i went to Novena there.. Finding shuttle bus to KK hospital. I was so idiot that i can't even see e board saying "shuttle bus to kk hospital" Crossed the road and crossed back again. I assumed those people standing there were wondering what i'm doing. Finally i reached there.. Again.. i've to wait for someone to bring me to my final destination. The interview was so so. But i hope i do get employ. Cause i wanted to buy things for someone special. Stupid me! Lastly, i went to the library meeting you. Then dinner.. Then home! I miss you!

When then will my be normal? My mind is in a whirl. I wanted to work. But i don't have much confidence in myself. I don't want to waste my time everyday like that. Now i can only read books.. and surf net and chat with friends on msn. That's boring. When will my letter be arriving in my letter box?

Woke up at 11 am today. These few days i never had any good sleep. Why? I'm dreaming when i'm sleeping. My brain isn't resting. Why do i keep dreaming about the same person? Went town with my godbrother.. walked here and there. Ate dinner and i requested to go home. Yup we were out for 3 hours and that's it. Home! Oh ya saw my secondary classmates in cine leisure. Peggy and Amirah. It's been two years since we never meet up! Two years.. and that's long. Kinda miss my secondary school classmates, school mates, ITE classmates. And what i remember to do was to take pictures with them. The difference of me when i was in secondary school and now. Finished a can of Carlsberg after i bathe. Last can.. No more.

Woke up with a great smile! Why? Because of one mms! Went library today.. Lol! I think i've not step into the library for ages. After that had to go my grandmother's house as my grandmother requested so. Had to hail for a cab for home cause my grandmother stuff lots of things to me. It's was like so so so heavy! Haha! Enough of that...


We are all in a hurry going nowwhere. Before we even get there.. we are moving on to somewhere else. We are working hard for what we want.. and always want more. We start things and then before we are finished, begin something new. Everyday we do things without giving some thoughts about them... because we are lost in busy thoughts. I can say all of this from my own experience.



I read this book that says... it's a book that remind us all to pause in the rush though today and see what is right there before us.. to stop and be a part of the moment. When we are recalling yesterday and preparing for tomorrow... we miss out on what is befalling right now. When we tune into the moment and try to live deliberately.. something happens. It may be that you will be able to really listen to the person who is talking to you. It may be that you will look up and notice the beauty of green leaves shimmering in sunlight. It may be that you will notice your own breath. Whatever it is... you will feel more connected to yourself, to others and to everything that surrounds you. The world will continue to pull you into its fast moving spin.


The gift of now may come to you in an instant of awareness or gradually through the years. The gift of now may come because something is changing inside you. You are seeing life with new cycles. The gift of now may come to you, like it did to me when i was alive with ideas of everything i wanted to do when my mind was so completely full of lists and plans and dreams of things to do that i knew they would not happen. And then i had a strange insight that doing all these things might not matter. I realized that there was something more than everything i wanted to do. There is something enormous and extraordinary already happening in my life and it is always happening.. it is this moment.. it is now. I had been driving for hours completely lost in thought. I looked around at hillsides and purple wildflowers growing everywhere and realized i had not seen the beauty surrounding me. I was missing out on what was there right before my eyes. In whatever way the gift of now comes to you, you will be surprised at the fullness of each moment. The special gift of just being may come as you work at your desk. You might catch yourself mindlessly racing through what you are doing. You may stop and sit. You may slow down and notice the rhythm of your own deep breathing. The simple gift of being may surprise you while you are preparing your salad. You may look down and aware of what you are doing. You may begin to really see the crispy lettuce and marvel at the red of the tomato. There is a joy of being in the moment. You will begin to feel connected to yourself, to others and to all surrounds you. You will be able to stay with yourself and let life pass through you, instead of passing through life in a hurry. Being alive in the moment without doing everything else is wonderful. Being alive in the moment without doing anything else is subline.

I've tried to keep this friendship on but i'm tired. In the past you will say your problems out and now you just keep it all to yourself. Who you think you are? A saint? No! You're just a human. Your friends around you are just worried about you. Do you know that? I guess they are already tired like me. Rejected by you so many times and still trying. But now not anymore. Friends are always there to help you instead you think that by telling your problems to your friends will trouble them. You are drifting further away from us. Anyway it's all up to you whether you still want to be with us or leave us. I admit that sometime i'm irritated by your actions and what you've said. But still, i choose to erase it off. Just good luck to you.

Consuming chocolates really helps your mood to get better? Or is it dark chocolate? I eat chocolate but nothing happens?

Tomorrow 2nd of July is a special day to me. How special? I won't say it out. But no matter how special i guess i will still be staying at home again.